| well.. |
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| 02:29am 24/03/2004 |
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mood:  crushed
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once again i feel like writing here.. i hit a bicyclist on van ness in sf, 6500 bucks in damage to my car, im buying a house downtown, and im generally unhappy. wait, thats always the case. shit happens though doesnt it?
oh well.
my magnetic poetry is finally becoming just that, rather than sheets of words attached to my refrigerater, it feels good. i have to clean and pack and move and i really want new furniature, all this stuff i bought with my x, and well, it screams of things id rather not remember every time i walk in my house.
i want a new begining, i want to start again, new house, new car, new life, new body, new mind... start it all over, and thats what i am going to do.
or thats what my intentions are. they may not be good, and they may not be entirely possible, but im going to try, although trying has never been enough.
trying doesnt get you anywhere.. only doing. god damn the duality.
if i picture what i want in my head its clear as day, but its not like a reality, its a state, or a symptom, or like, just a mood..
i just want contentment. not happieness, it doesnt truely exisit, and when it does its so fleeting that its not worth trying to preserve, i just want comfortable, nuetral, anything but ambivilance...
i do want to love, and be loved in return, but i want it to be natural, like it just sort of ends up that way, i dont want to have to try, or rather, ask for it. but it isnt as important as everything else so its on the back burner as always.
im going to coachella, its going to be wonderfull, though i am frightened stiff that it will all go wrong, and someone or something will ruin how impactfull the experiance could be, ive never been to a music festival before, at least not one that counts, and this one is majior. im very excited.
maybe i want excitement back.. real excitement, stimulation.. nothing inspires me anymore.. Nothing..
everything is mundane, and redundant, and everyone but me seems to be ok with it. oh well.
well im done stick a fork in me, all of the talking i wanted my fingers to do seems to have vanished as i started this so till another time. |
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| 09:39pm 13/10/2003 |
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everyone can rot in hell for all i care. |
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| 03:41pm 04/10/2003 |
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dumdie dum dum duuuuum |
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| 07:57am 09/09/2003 |
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life is boring and monotonous. |
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| 03:39am 02/09/2003 |
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hmm sims online... interesting... but i dont know if its worth paying for... |
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| 10:49am 25/08/2003 |
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herm. well. dying the back of my head... we will see...
might end up pink *smirk* dont know how much color i can get out of it... ill take pics... maybe |
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| 06:11am 23/08/2003 |
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oh and the guy im totally smitten with is seeing someone.. figures. |
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| 06:10am 23/08/2003 |
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fucking shit life is boring. |
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| 05:51pm 18/08/2003 |
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bleh. |
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| 03:53am 18/08/2003 |
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well getting my computer back to normal is a pain in the ass. bah. |
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| written by me a long time ago.. some of my favorite emotions and thoughts |
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| 01:53pm 29/06/2003 |
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the new stuff is at the bottom. take a look there, if youve been here befor.
you know that space in your brain where everything gets muddled, that lil hole where you cant remember what you just thought and another thought begins, just to piss you off i think, or just to try to confuse you, imagine, actually trying to keep your thoughts straight. that would be impressive... i don't think you actually can keep thoughts straight. its not really fair that that hole exists, it makes me feel like an idiot. even though i know everyone has that gap, i hate that place. but who knows.. i probably am an idiot, and im lying to myself that i know what im talking about. but i don't care. and i don't want to care. caring can be difficult, especially about your self, but that's another story, on that i don't want to tell. here is where the mind goes blank. and i forget what was to be said. the whole purpose of this page but nothing i do has purpose so i guess it doesn't matter, if your here you're just as bored as i am. either that or just as stupid. so why don't i go away and leave this where it is. maybe ill add more later.
June 11, 4:30am
you know that feeling when there's nothing to do and all you can do is shake... your body is so tense and so hyper that it try's to combust.. i feel like an atom, with out a home.... no mass... just a lil spinning atom bouncing off of nothing and using nothing for energy... never resting never stopping never shutting an eye... caffeine is a wonderful drug.
June 12 1:33pm, after no sleep and thirteen no doze.
these are the times in which you hate they way they are, you know who im talking about.. those ppl you see and love on a regular basis the ones you get coffee with and the ones you do all those drugs with... the ones who do all those druggs... you question your friendship, and the reasons they love you. you question everything just about.. i hate what i have become... i hate more what they are becoming.
June 14 3:08am
questioning my own existence, my own fears and realties.. does this place ive made inside my head exist.... only to me anyway it doesn't matter anyway. not one will ever see it not he way i do but do i even see it the way i seem to think i do. i guess not cause i wouldn't be asking these questions contemplating ending it all in a single rush of over exposure.
June 16 5:20am
this is the feeling i dread... about to cry... and being around ppl you can't cry infront of. or ppl who you don't know well enough to cry infront of... in this case it's both. in this case, i don't care. i just want to get it over with.. get it all over with. i don't think its possible.. i just can't do it. i cant and i can't be like this either. exactly, what am i supposed to do? sit here.. i suppose. and wonder... feel the tears well up in my eyes, and not let them spill out or at least not let them see ill go in the other room and sit... make myself antisocial... make myself even more of an object... and less of a person.. ornamental purely ornamental... and quite the conversation piece. DAMN IT I WANT TO STAND OUT. i don't want to be a wall hanging anymore.. im forcing you to notice me. NOTICE ME. damn it. im here im screaming in your ears... NOTICE ME.
June 20, 2:53am
yeah here i am again. alone sitting in this room of mine. dreading ever realizing what i am nothing hate why do i hate these things everything not one not two everything fuck it. fuck everything and fuck you all.
June 20, 4:44am
why is it that such simple things are so god damned confusing when i think i cant even understand myself.. these things i think control me and the degrading effort i take in trying to sort it out is destroying me i want it i need it i hate it and i cant live with it... i can't take this confusion anymore.. i just can't understand the answer and what am i to do? sit here and wait i don't want to wait for you... i don't want to wait for anything and i should have to but why do i feel obligated.. why do i ask why shouldn't i know.. its a simple decision so why is it making me cry... why can you make me cry... i don't realize my own distress.... and i don't want to go on with you.
July 2, 5:15am
i never thought id feel this way.. it is so amazing... i can't believe myself. i have no idea what im doing and i love it.. you confuse me. you infatuate me.. You're beautiful, wonderful, amazing.. i know what its like now.. what it's truly like to not be able to wait... to not be able to contain my joy... you are perfect. and i know you can't see it... but i don't care i will continue to tell you over.. and over......... till you realize how i feel.... and i fall over dead....
July 5, 7:08pm
you know who you are you worthless bored fuckers asking me questions.. i don't give a fuck about you and you know you don't give a fuck about what im doing thinking... oh yeah.. but you care what im wearing.. my bra size... and how many times ive been fucked that's all you care about you worthless scum fucking assholes.. i hate you all the world would be a better place if your asses weren't around i hate you all disgusting dirty men filthy hopeless pigs... I HATE YOU ALL can't get laid in the real world a pal? well i can.
July 6, 11:54pm
starting 3:10am July 7
waiting... mm that waiting feeling... this is one of the best parts glancing up at the ceiling no not working yet... glancing at watch hasn't been that long.. still waiting... waiting for that moment when the room begins to breathe along with you that wonderful moment when your smile is unremovable... your face aches your body tight... unknowing of what might happen next, hoping for one slight thing to send you into a whirl isn't that what we are all about risks.. chances.. stretching ourselves over a threshold that we know our leggs can't reach across.. waiting.. dreading.. but almost wanting, needing to fall deep into that hole.. and not having to risk again.. mmm still waiting.. almost here... yes this is one of my favorite things... one of my most favorite things.. killing my self oh so slowly, with each cigarette... with each little tab.... with each little pill... with each little breath. breathing ourselves closer to death beautiful thought don't you think? i think. i think too much i am a thought junkie.. i can't get enough.. and oh how i go threw withdrawals.. those emotionless drones.. the ones who don't think.. boring me with every day life.. i just want to marvel at the way the light reflects off the pavement the way the smoke from my cigarette curls around the cord beside me siting watching waiting... and yea im always waiting... for this time to come or that but hey who isn't none of us really go out searching for things we wait for them to happen to us the world owes us a life... don't we wish that was true.. don't we wish we where owed anything at all or that we deserved anything... but we don't. we never will no one ever will we deserve what we make our selves get. nothing happens without cause... and everything is just an effect. this is beautiful the way it circles about.. everything intertwines... you can never remember.. and you'll always forget. and all those things will linger forever in your mind. clear as bright blue day. drifting.. drifting into what i don't know about.. the things i seem to know. the things i used to know where does ones memory go i wonder if it falls away from you in pieces as you grow older.. the younger you where falls away. everything seems to fall away but not you.. i won't let you... i will try my hardest to not let you fall ill be down on my knees for you holding you up bewildered as i am i know... it won't change. lighting a cigarette and pondering what my fingers will think of next.. yes it's my fingers doing the talking.. not me.. i haven't said a word.. maybe i should i have no one to talk to . that's the way it goes. oh well no difference i let my fingers keep on talking. i question whether anyone will take the time to actually read all of this.. it would be a task i suppose reading what late night fingers wrote all on an influence.. hmmm i wonder.. do i think too much? i think you think i think too much. thought splendid wonderful thought.. the beginning of everything the fall of ones self ive noticed.. all the thoughts and thinkers that could have made a difference.. tend to think too much and end up, not thinking at all not with logic anyhow.. working to fine into detail but musn't it be detailed..
stopping.. breaking...3:29am.
why is this happening to me why is this happening to us... what am i doing wrong? please tell me.. i don't know what to do... please help me i need you i want you i love you i don't want to live without you you are it... the finality.. please don't let me go show me what to do.. please don't let me fall let me love you... don't leave me hanging.. i can't take the suspense.. i can't help but feel the way i do for you you are astounding... amazing... oh please... don't let me hit the ground.. don't let go of my hand.. my heart... its attached at the wrist with a chain... how cliche` you're tugging... ripping... pulling out of my chest. and i don't want this to happen please don't let me die.
july 17, 3:31am
why is it that when an old lover talks to you of there new you always feel like shit even when there is no feeling left for them it really isn't very right that it happens, you don't have feeling for them you don't care what they do hell you left them so you and they could be with other ppl... but still it hurts, almost actually aches.. like burning.. deep, why.. i hate having pain over someone i feel nothing for.
July 29, 2:34am
how could you.. i don't understand this i don't even know what's going on... how could you? i loved you i would have given you everything id still give you everything what is going on how could you how could you tear me in half like this how could you destroy what was left of me am i even right but my god how it hurts to call your house at 5:30 in the mourning and have a woman answer the fucking fone HOW COULD YOU how the fuck could you how could you do this to me i loved you i love you i will forever love you you're so fucking perfect how could you do this i don't understand how you could do this i hope so much im over exaggerating please don't let this be what i think it is please don't let you be like all the rest don't let me die.. not again not afuckinggain August 12, 5:41 am well ive talked to you ive heard what you had to say ive thought it threw.. and how can i help but to believe what you had to say i can't give you up, i can't say no you're much too important. you're much to perfect. so this is where we are so far apart yet not so far and right next to each other really it's confusing when id give anything to stand at your side when id do anything for you to be at mine... August 14 5:04pm im here again after a long time of silence with things on my mind not many things still just an adorable boi and a family from hell what else is there? not much i tell you It's all you need in life to provide you with the spark of thought and imagination life love and loss... every artists knows nothing else.. though it's mostly loss.. and we all try to do our living. but love, love on the other hand is the hardest of all we grow so accustomed to loss.. to pain, to uncomforted sadness... but love, love is still uncomfortable, we don't know what to do in those times our minds get muddled with thoughts of happiness it tends to kill the creative urge...and yet somehow push it along.. i still haven't quite figured this one out still trying.. maybe that's why im here babbling about it on a page that most likely no ones reads.. oh well the reason i was here in the first place was to ramble on about my baby.. after all he's the reason i feel like gold.. all warm and fussy inside like a peach rotting in the sun, kind of gross but its how my insides feel when he's around.. it the most wonderful feeling in the world love.. but how gut wrenching when its lost.. im still afraid of loosing him, as he is of me. but we all have our fears, the things that scare us most are usually the ones we hate living without. life is so hypocritical don't you think.. it tears us into little pieces and spits us out whole... well i think im going to leave this bit at this.. since i am being beckoned by conversation elsewhere..
1:33 am November,11
this is where i start again not really knowing what im doing this place is done over again, after my first terrible review.. and yes it did have an influence.. not much but a little, i was planning on a makeover prior to it but it did give me a sooper dooper boost of motivation.. here it is.. for your viewing pleasure.. or displeasure.
april 16 9:08 pm
i am currently a different person than i was before so here is where it gets done over.. i am sitting in my own house, with my boy soon on his way home, and we are happier than we could ever be.. he has changed me in so many ways, ways i could never begin to describe, he is still my light and inspiration, and how i do love him so, i tell all of you over and over of how much he means, i don't think you could possible understand what exactly i feel for him, he is at this point not only my love but also, my only real friend, i have been abandoned by jealousy, but im trying to bear through this, i guess you always find out who your real friends are in the end, and i know now that he is my only one.. he is my world, and i hope he will read this, only because i have such a hard time telling him how much i need him, for the words never seem to come out like i mean them for now fare well, soon we shall meet again.
sep 10, 3:07pm
so here i am once again 4:20 in the mourn and no im not stoned. just bored out of my wits and broke. whats new a? seems like such a listless life with no where to go and no one to turn to wandering aimlessly looking for a light to shine through i wonder, where is that light. that light ive been serching for, for so many years now has it gone? was it ever there? things like this bewilder me in my journey through life... only because what is life without a purpouse, that light it means everything. it is what men fight wars for, women bear children that meaning... where has it gone and how could one describe it? i describe it as destiny, though i belive in no such thing. but what other word can one use to describe there life, and how it comes about. i couldnt tell you that i know for sure. but i couldnt tell you a lot of things so... so i wonder.. what shall i do with this life i lead? shall i finish school, i doubt it shall i remain a meandering soul? i need to find that light. befor my heart goes out cant take not knowing for much longer.. it really isnt my style. hmm my light, i think the only place i may find my light is inside my other... he is the only one who i know who has found their light i wonder what gave him such power. he has the strength and verility to make it through such impossible times. with impossible friends. and he has the drive and the knowledge to make it all come out right. now only if he didnt have the temper to ruin it all. funny boi he is yelling and screaming at every little thing. but he is mine. and i love him for it he will always be mine. if not binded by skin nor blood nor paper but by heart. and that is all that really matters so why am i sitting here whinning about my light let it glimmer if it may i will find it the darkness of uncertainty will not always over power me.
4:30 am jan 14,00
i am as it may be a complete insomniac. its terrible. the over powering erge of your brain wokring overtime and your bodys struggle for sleep. somehow my brain always seems to win out.. it keeps rambaling on and on... as you can see from the seemingly endlessness of this page. its 6:20am the 10th of febuary. and im up writing here and doing the dishes. i hate when i get those uncontrolable urges to clean my damn house. but only.. only do i get them when it is so unconvieniant its amazing.. 4am and vacuming? my boy doesnt like it much. the worst part is, there isnt even any druggs in my system to make me be this way. its disgusting. at least i could be totally twacked or something... anything to give meaningless meandering through house hold chores at 4am purpose. ahh well such is life... or my life anyhow. my insomnia is starting to drive me mad. i am trying to get a job.. how in the world am i going to make it to work at 8am when i didnt go to bed till 7. lets hope they dont schedual me many mourning shifts a? at this point in my life.. if i dont find something to occupie my day i think i might drive me and my boy crazy... its causeing way to many problems between us.. me being home all the time with hardly a friend in sight, and him being the only to keep me company.. i think i might be driving him away.. being so needy. i am as of now trying to change my clingy ways.. as to put us back on the right track.. he has much more important things to do than try to keep me entertained. i love him with all my heart and all my soul. every inch of my being is a part of him. and all i want in the world is for us to work out the communication problems weve been having lately. well back to my insomnia.. i think that our problems might have a part to do with it.. but i dont 'realy' think so.. at least not the main or even probable cause.. since i have been somewhat of an insomniac my entire life. its strange to not know what it feels like to be 'tired' my mind is NEVER tired. i think myself into frustration.. lying there in bed. with nothing to occupie me but my thoughts. and i cant help but think... i have never been able to just 'sleep' this wouldnt be so much of a problem if i could get my sleeping pills to make me sleep.. i have to take 5 of them for it to work.. this ends up costing me way to much money using two or three months or refils in one month. and as usual i am broke. i dont have any idea how all these ppl with no money survive.. paying all the flipping bills is enough to drive one mad. not to mention the fact that for the last three months i have been paying one mortgage bill, and one rent bill.. since my oh so lovely (i could rip their brains out) landlords at our apt wouldnt let us out of our lease.. even though everything they had promised was untrue. and a friend of ours car window got shot out sitting out side of our apt. they would have never seen fury such as mine if that had been my new beetle that got its window shot out.. (yes im a spoiled rotten brat. but i bought it my self in full. (2000 silver beetle, black cloth interior, carbon fiber dash kit, sunroof, and automatic spoiler, god damn i love my car.)) so thats 675 for rent and 758 for our mortgage adds up real flipping fast when you have no way of making more money than you are alotted.. sucks to be me aye? oh well i dont know what else to say i thought i had so much more on my mind.. but fare well till im bored again.
6:37am feb 10 00 |
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| 09:51pm 28/06/2003 |
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herm white fingernails dont stay white very long. |
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| 09:03pm 28/06/2003 |
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fucking hell its hot.. i think im melting.. not sure yet.. almost..my god.. drowning in my own sweat.. its painfull.. mind numbing deafening, horrible..
and tonight im going to visit the sauna i so fondly call the press club.
whoo fucking hoo. |
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| 08:22am 28/06/2003 |
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bah all i want to do is play nwn and the damn server isnt working bah bah bah. |
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| 02:55am 27/06/2003 |
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herm diazepam doesnt work all that great on me.
bah figures. |
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| 05:09am 25/06/2003 |
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bah. life sucks. |
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| 03:32am 23/06/2003 |
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| vintage sim | | Magic Number | 4 | | Job | Most Hated Person - Ever | | Personality | Paranoid And With Good Reason | | Temperament | Unflappable | | Sexual | Gay | | Likely To Win | Another Gold Star | | Me - In A Word | Dull | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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| 03:31am 23/06/2003 |
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| starjunkie | | Magic Number | 17 | | Job | Writer | | Personality | Vicarious | | Temperament | Check My Pulse | | Sexual | If I Have To | | Likely To Win | A Place On The Bench (For The Reserves) | | Me - In A Word | Effervescent | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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| 03:31am 23/06/2003 |
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| filmstar | | Magic Number | 20 | | Job | Despot | | Personality | Multiple | | Temperament | A Yo-Yo | | Sexual | Whatever, Whenever, Whoever | | Likely To Win | A Duel With Pistols | | Me - In A Word | Genius | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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| 04:46pm 17/06/2003 |
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hmm won 109.45 at the new casino today. Whoot!! |
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